
CD»!VRIGHT.ie89, BY HAROLD ROOHBACH 



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WHO IS. WHO? 



OR 



ALL IN A FOG 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 

THOMAS J; WILLIAMS 

New American Edition Correctly Reprinted from the Ori- 
ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Casts of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
costumes. Scene and Property Plots Dia 
gram of the Stage Setting, Sides' of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tion of the Performers, Expla- 
nations OF THE Stage Direc- 
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF 

THE Stage Business. 



Copyright, 1889, by Harold Koofb^li -.p^RiGH: 



^sf . \ 








/ 



NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



■\ 



^<0'< 



%^' 







WHO IS WHO? 

OR 

ALL IN A FOG. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Royal Surrey Theatre, Oct. i6tk, i86g. 

Mr. Simonides Swanhopper (al 

^^ model Young Bachelor''') — First \ Mr. John Murray. 

Low Comedy. J 
Lawrence Lavander <^a " Valet \ 
' from Mayfair" ) — Eccentric \ Mr. Alfred Lilly. 

Light Comedy. ) 

Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton {a^ M C F M h 11 

Country Gentleman') j ..... . ... 

Cicely {Brambleton's Daughter) Miss Clara Shelly. 

Matilda Jane {a ^* superior ^^ Housmaid) Miss H. Coveney. 

Time of Playing — Forty Minutes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton, a retired country gentleman, receives 
word from his friend Peppercorn that the latter has found an unexcep- 
tionable son-in-law for him, who will reach Brambleton Hall by the ii a. 
M, .train ; the letter has been torn, unluckily, so that Mr. Brambleton 
remains ignorant of this " model young bachelor's " name. At the same 
time, he is notified that the registry office in London sends him a new man- 
servant, whom he expects to arrive in the afternoon. While Mr. Bram- 
bleton is upbraiding the maid for being too stylishly dressed for a servant, 
and reproaching his daughter, who has a mind of her own, because her 
appearance is too plain to create a favorable impression upon their expected 
guest, LaWrence Lavender, a " gentleman's gentleman " arrives, makes 
a decided impression upon Matilda Jane the maid, and, being mistaken 

2 



WHO IS WHO? OR 3 

by Mr. Brambleton for his prospective son-in-law, is treated with the 
utmost pohteness and hospitality, and, to his extreme astonishment, is cor- 
dially invited to make up to Miss Brambleton. Cicely then enters and, in 
turn, mistakes Lavender for " the model young bachelor," but dislikes 
him at sight ; while he, from her plain attire, mistaking her for the house- 
maid, commits certain awkward familiarities which so confirm her dislike 
that she refuses, much to her father's chagrin, to accept the supposed young 
bachelor on any terms. A young man with a carpet-bag is now announced, 
whom Brambleton supposes to be the new man-servant and leaves to the 
tender mercies of Matilda Jane while he retires to break the unpleasant 
tidings to Lavender that the latter's supposed suit is in vain. Mr. Simon- 
ides Swanhopper now arrives, having been belated in his journey, is 
coldly received by Matilda Jane, who feels no interest in him, impresses 
Cicely favorably as a person of high degree reduced to the necessity of 
menial work by reverses of fortune, he in turn mixing up mistress and maid 
and being mistaken by both for the new man-servant, and is immediately 
set at work polishing boots, by Brambleton. Then ensues a succession 
of absurd complications, in the course of which the supposed guest feels 
bound to confess a /^unmistakable /^attachment for Mr. Brambleton's 'ouse- 
maid. Cicely considers it her duty to confess a deeply rooted attachment 
for the new man-servant, Swanhopper is iinpelled in honor to solicit Miss 
Brambleton's hand, though the "image of yonder lovely handmaiden has 
imprinted itself indelibly upon his too susceptible heart, and Matilda 
Jane feels it her dooty to confess a /^unextinguishable fancy for his son-in- 
law. Mr. Brambleton, in a paroxysm of rage at these several confessions, 
violently drives all of them out of his house, except his daughter who is 
commanded to lock herself in her room forever. It is only when the two 
men return to recover certain articles left behind in the haste of their depart- 
ure, that the actual state of affairs dawns upon Mr. Brambleton and the 
true identity of each character is revealed to the others. Cicely is 
delighted, Matilda Jane /zenchanted, Swanhopper elated that his heart 
was not so mistaken as himself. Lavender, convinced that his /zarristo- 
cratic /^instincts was right after all, determines to stick to the sityvation, 
and there is immense satisfaction on all sides at discovering " who is who " 
and " what is what," after being All in a Fog. 

COSTUMES. 

Swanhopper. — Plain dark suit of tweeds, derby hat, pouch slung at his 
waist. 

Lavender. — Blue cut-away coat, light waist-coat, white hat, chain, 
extensive " peg-top " whiskers, eye-glass, cane, etc. 

Brambleton. — Firsi Dress : Dressing gown, smoking cap, etc. Sec- 
ond Dress : Green coat, buff waist coat, etc. \country gentleman^ s make 
up). 

Cicely.— Very plain muslin dress, large brown hoUand apron. (N. B. 
— Strict simplicity of attire is absolutely necessary.) 

Matilda Jane. — Holiday clothes. Very smart silk dress of the latest 
fashion, hair done a la mode ; very «* killing " get up. 



4 ^LL IN A FOG. 

STAGE SETTING. 




Exlerlor Bacl<ing 
—■Door • 



. Fire Place 

Cheir « Foot- stool 



Table ^ Chairs 




Scene. — A parlor set in 3 g. Doors r. and l., ist and 2nd entrances. 
Door C. in flat, backed with an exterior backing in 4 G. Mantel and fire- 
place R. F. Mirror over the mantel, and easy-chair and footstool near it. 
Sofa L. against flat. Table and two chairs C. Ornaments on mantel and 
table. Pictures against walls. Carpet down. 

PROPERTIES. 

Furniture, carpet, pictures, ornaments, etc., as per scene plot. Letter, 
watch and pair of boots for Brambleton. Eyeglass, watch, cane, small 
portmanteau and lighted cigar for Lavender. Small watering-pot for 
Cicely. Pouch, traveling rug, satchel, umbrella and 2 large paper bun- 
dles for SwANHOPPER. Large nankeen jacket with broad red stripes. 
Flowers. Bamboo cane in corner. Bell off stage, at back. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The player is supposed to face the audience, r., means right; l., left; 
c, centre; R. c, right of centre; l. c, left of centre; d. f., door in the 
flat or scene running across the back of the stage ; r. f., right side of the 
flat; L. F., left side of the flat; R, D., right door; L. D., left door; I E., first 
entrance; 2 e., second entrance ; u. E., upper entrance; I, 2 or 3 G., first, 
second or third grooves; Up Stage, toward the back; Down Stage, 
toward the footlights. 

. R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. . The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book pro- 
tected by copyright. 



WHO IS WHO? 

OR 

ALL IN A FOG. 

Scene.— ^ Parlor in Brambleton Hall, an old-fashioned Country 
House. Time, the present. 

Matilda Jane discovered— she is very smartly dressed— silk dress, 

&*c., &*c. 

M. Jane, [looking at herself in glass, admiringly) Well, dress ^^^5 
make a difference ! Put me in a carriage, and who's to know me 
from a nobleman's daughter ? I expect I shall settle somebody's 
business at the fair to-day ! How very lucky that my monthly hoM- 
day and our fair should fall on the same identical day ; there will 
be lots of young farmers — I'll wictimize some on 'em ! 

Enter Brambleton, r. 2 e., with a letter in his hand. 

Bramble, [in great excitement) Well, 'pon my word, this is news 
indeed! [impatiently) Matilda Jane, where' s my daughter? 

M. Jane, [carelessly) I don't know where she is, sir! [aside) She 
was down in the kitchen just now, a-meddhn' and a-interferin' ; 
she's what they call a domesticated young lady — I don't care 
about 'em myself, [looking off unconcernedly) Ah, here she comes, 
sir ! [walks up, gets on stool in front of fireplace, and looks at herself 
in the glass) 

Enter CiCELY, R. — She is dressed in a neat, but excessively simple, 
morning dress—contrasting strongly with Matilda Jane's more 
*' pretentious'' attire; she wears a brown holland apron, and 
carries a little watering-can. 

Cicely. What's the matter, papa? 

Bramble, [in great excitement) He's coming, you little puss- 
he's coming ! 

Cicely. Who s coming, papa ? ^ 

Bramble. Why, the " model young bachelor " my friend Pepper- 
corn has been so long looking out for you. 



6 WHO IS WHO? OR 

Cicely, {smiling) A "model young bachelor"! I didn't know 
there was such a thing. 

Bramble, {in a great fintter) Oh yes! just hear what Peppercorn 
says: [reading') " I've found you an unexceptionable son-in-law, 
at last. I've given him a glowing description of your daughter 
Cicely, and he's so enraptured with vcvj portrait, that he intends 
to start at once, with a view to secure the original^ 

Cicely, [smiling) The "model young bachelor" seems in a 
hurry ! 

Bramble, [continuijig] " He'll reach Brambleton Hall by the ii 
A. M. train." 

Cicely, [laughing) You know, papa — [firmly) I shan't have him, 
if I don't approve of him ! 

Bramble, [significantly) I'm perfectly well aware of that, my 
dear I 

Cicely. What's his name ? 

Bramble. Ah, by the bye, what is his name ? [referring to letter) 
His name is [vexed) Dash it all ! 

Cicely, [surprised) " Dash-it-all" ! What a very curious name ! 

Bramble, [vexed) No — I say dash it all ! in opening the letter 
I've torn off the very corner containing the name, so I haven't 
the slightest idea what his name is ! But never mind his name, 
he'll be here directly to speak for himself ! [suddenly catches sight 
^Matilda Jane, who has, meanwhile , come down) Why what are 
you dressed out in this style for, this morning ? You look more 
like the mistress of the house than the maid-servant ! 

M. Jane, [consequentially) Please, sir, it's my day out ; all the 
rest of the month, I dress to please my employers, but on my day 
out I dress to please myself! 

Bramble, [sarcastically) Oh, that's it! 

M. Jane, [pertly) It's fair day at the village — I means to awail 
myself o' the hoppertoonity o' makin' a himpression I 

Bramble, [smiling) Then you'll have to avail yourself oi some 
other opportunity. We can't spare you to-day, we have a visitor 
coming. 

M. Jane, [cruelly disappointed) Well, this is a pretty disappoint- 
ment — arter getting myself ready and all — if it arn't downright 
tyrannical, and that's about the size of it ! [walks up stage) 

Bramble, [looking at Cicely) Andjj/^w, Cicely — simphcity is all 
very well, but there can be no positive necessity for a young 
lady's wearing a brown holland apron I 

Cicely, [laughing) Now, papa, that is an unjust remark ; you 
know I'm your little house-keeper — servants are so consequential 
now-a-days, that, unless they are looked after, the house would go 
to rack and ruin ; — why, you ungrateful papa ! I've been making 
you some beautiful apricot tarts for dinner. 




ALL IN A FOG. 7 

Bramble, [aside) What a domesticated little darling it is ! [sigh- 
ing) What shall I do without her ? 

Cicely, [continuing) I'm now going to water the flowers, and 
then I shall feed the ducks and geese. 

Bramble, [detaining her) First impressions, you know, my dear 
child, are everything, [importantly) Fortunately, I have just se- 
cured a man servant from London — a first-rate specimen, former- 
ly in the service of a nobleman. I applied, by letter, to a regis- 
try office, and the secretary has promised me something "A i." 
The fellow can't arrive till this afternoon, but he will be in time to 
wait at dinner I [ring heard at bell) A ring! [looking at watch) 
Bless my soul, the "model young bachelor," I dare say ! Run, 
Matilda Jane, run ! 

M. Jane, [aside — consequentially) I ain't a going to run — it ain't 
a housemaid's place to run ! Exit, consequentially, at back, C. 

Bramble, [in a great flutter) Cicely, my dear child, for goodness 

sake take off that apron and, by the bye, just see if the little 

blue room is ready for our visitor's reception. 

Cicely. Now don't be in a flurry, papa ; I'll see to it all. [aside) 
But I'll finish my darling flowers first, and then I'll come back 
and see what the " model young bachelor " is like. 

She takes up watering pot, and runs out, — Exit, L. 2 E. 

Re-Enter Matilda Jane, in a great histle. 

M. Jane, [with a totally altered manner) He's come, sir, — the 

gardener let him in, sir ! Oh, sir [with a burst of feeling) he's a 

regular out-an -outer I 

Bramble, [pleased) I'm glad to hear it — [suddenly remejnbering) 
Bless my soul, I can't receive him in my dressing-gown ! [to Ma- 
tilda Jane) Tell him to take a chair, while I run and put on my 
coat. Dear, dear I what a memorable day this is to be sure ! 

Exit, R. 2 E. 

M. Jane, [looking off at back) Here he comes ! [clasping her 
hands and striking an attitude — enraptured) Oh ! what whiskerses! 

Enter Lawrence Lavender at back, c. — He is dressed in a some- 
what flash attempt at gentility — fashionably cut clothes — blue cut- 
away coat, light waistcoat, white hat, chain, extensive whiskers, 
&'c., &^c.—[he speaks pompously, and gives himself all the rec- 
ognized airs of a ^* gentleman s gentleman^) — He carries a short 
cane in one hand, and a small portmanteau in the other. — n. b. 
He sports an eye-glass, and invariably aspirates his " ^'j"" 

Lav. [patronizingly) Aw, a^v ! Don't let me disturb anyone. 
[after bowing majestically — looking at Matilda Jane through eye- 
glass) Fine girl — doosed fine girl — [musingly) Silk dress — prim 
manner — our daughter, I suppose ; just a trifle hag-ga-riculturalt 
hutflne — doosed j^ne \ 



8 WHO IS WHO? OR 

M. Jane, {admiringly) He is an out-an'-outer, and nothing but 
it! {gushingly) He's for all the world X^o. ?l half-a-crown \2XQV1- 
tine ! 

Lav. [aside, conceitedly) The young haymaker seems struck 
with my appearance, {striking attitude) The effect I generally per- 
dooce on 'em ! 

M. Jane, {aside, rapturously) Wouldn't he ha' been my style — 
{gushingly) Oh, wouldn't he just ! 

{when she reaches door, c. she heaves a tremendous sigh, casts 
a languishing glance at Lavender, and e^t at back) 

Lav. {complacently) Our daughter seems a very ^affable young 
party — wonder what her expectations foot up to ! {looks round) 
Quiet sort of old place this ; I shall be able to coach up a bit, 
after the fatigues of last winter, {sitting down in arm chair) By 
]upitar, I ham done up, and no mistake ! My late master, the 
Marquis of Rattlebrain, did go the pace so confoundedly, that I 
was obWged to give him ^up at last, I was, 'pon honor ! I didn't 
object to the horse racing, but when he took to attending prize 
fights 2itfive d clock in the morning, I was ^obligated to get rid of 
him — I was, 'pon honor! Doosed fine figure, the Marquis — 
{striking attitude) I've got on a suit of ^w clothes now. Aw! — 
aw ! — it's a compliment I wouldn't pay to everybody! I was sorry 
to cut him, but another month in his service would ha' knocked 
me clean off my legs. So I apphed at a registry office for a quiet 
berth in a saloobrious part of the country, where I might rustify a 
little, previous to resoormn the service of the British ^^^mstocracy, 
{rising and looking at his watch) Eleven o'clock — I'm not due 
here till the afternoon ; but, dooce take it, unlucky at cribbage last 
night — only seven-and-sixpence left; ^obligated to start by the 
early pafly, or I couldn't ha' got here at all. (yawning) Plaguy 
tired, 'pon honor! {throws himself languidly into arm chair near 
table) 

Re-Enter Brambleton, r. 2 E., in bottle green coat, buff waist- 
coat &^C., &'C. 

Bramble, {perceiving Lavender, who is indulging in a prolonged 
and violent yawn) Ah, there he is ; I — I'll just attract his attention 
—Xstrikes an imposing attitude) Ahem ! ahem ! 

Lav. {starting, and turning round) Halloa! the governor, I 
*spose. {rising — with a kind of condescending civility) Good morn- 
ing, sir — see you well, I hope, sir. 

Bramble, {cordially) Quite well. How 2,rQ you, my dear fellow ? 
{advancing^ and taking Lavender cordially by the hand) 

Lav. {aside, astounded) Why, he's shaking hands with me! 

Bramble, {cordially) Glad to see you ; all I have heard of you 
is of the most highly satisfactory nature. 



ALL IN A FOG, g 

Lav. {aside) The registry chap told me he had laid it on pretty 
thick. ^ ' 

Bramble, {cordially) Sit down, my boy, sit down! {fetches a 
chair, while he motions to Lavender to take another) You won't 
mind my asking you a few questions ? 

Lav. {taking chair and sitting down — surprised ) Aw no— really 

— don't see any objections. 

Bramble, {earnestly) First of all, my dear fellow, do you eniov 
good health ? ^ j / 

Lav. Well— aw— aw— just at present— I may be a trifle seedy— 
aw — aw — owing to the fatigues 

Bramble, {interrupting) The fatigues of the^zmz^- you'll soon 
get over that. You seem pretty strongly put together! {thumps 
htm on the chest) 

Lav. {getting up, alaniied) Aw, aw ! I'm midhng toughish. 
(Brambleton rises, follows Lavender up, and continues to thump 
kim on the chest, back, &^c., aside) What an eccentric old buffah ! 

Bramble, {resuming his seat) Your character 

Lav. {aside) Stop — I've got it in my pocket. 

Bramble, {continuing) Your character and disposition I know to 
be all that can be desired. How old are you, my boy ? 

Lav. {whose surprise is visibly increasing— resuming his seat) 
Aw, aw! eight and twenty last Guy Faux day. 

Bramble. A very nice age. {aside) Plaguy awkward not to know 
his name — {aloud, at a loss) Let me see, Mr. Mr. 

Lav. {consequentially) Lavender, sir— Lawrence Lavender. 

Pramble. Lavender— Ah, Lavender. I've a foolish way of for- 
getting names ; but I shan't forget Lavender, {resuming) Well 
then, Laburnafn, my boy 

Lav. {correcting) Beg pardon, not Laburnum, Lavender, sir. 

Bramble. Ah, to be sure, Lavender! {cordially) I say, you'd like 
a bit of lunch, wouldn't you ? Some cold lamb and a pickle, with 
a glass of prime sherry — — 

Lav. Well. I— I shouldn't mind, certainly— (a^zV/^ complacently) 
This seems the right sort of place, 'pon honor ! 

Bramble, {mysteriously) But, stop a bit — 

(Brambleton rises, and, with mysterious gestures, approaches door 
L. on /?>/^^— Lavender in a state of bewildered surprise, rises 
also, and watches Brambleton' s movements) 

Lav. {aside—puzzled) What the dooce is he up to? {hastily 
resumes his seat) 

Bramble, {coming back ?nysteriously, to Lavender) Now then, 
my boy, all I have to say to you is — tnake up to my daughter I 

Lav. {starting— astounded) What/// 

Bramble, {continuing—emphatically) Make up to her, my boy, 
with all your might and main / 



10 WHO IS WHO? OR 

Lav. [aside — turning away, utterly astounded) Make up to his 
daughter! I ! 

Bramble. You'll find her a most delightful young person. 

Lav. [excessively puzzled) Well — aw — aw — I — I' 11 do my best — 
but really — aw— aw — [aside) Well, this bangs all I ever read in the 
Morning Post, it does, 'pon honor! 

Re-enter CICELY, L. 2 E. 

Cicely, [as she enters) The blue room's quite ready — [suddenly 
catching sight ^Lavender, aside) That's the "model young 
bachelor," I suppose ? [as though struck with a sudden idea — aside 
to Brambleton) Leave me to introduce myself! 

Bramble, [aside — terribly vexed) Another whi^n / And that pre- 
cious apron on still ! [turns to Lavender) Here, /'ll take that 
portmanteau into your room for you — [attempts to take portmanteau 
from Lavender) 

Lav. [astounded — retaining portmanteau) No really — 'pon honor 
[firmly) That I can t allow ! — 

Bramble, [tugging at portmanteau) I insist, I tell you. 

Lav. [retaining such firm hold of portmanteau, that he drags 
Brambleton half across stage) No — it's too much — it is, 'pon 
honor ! 

Bramble, [still tugging at portmanteati, and pulling Lavender 
back again) Now, do you want to offend me ? [a regular tussle for 
portmanteau takes place) 

Lav. Well, if you really mean it [suddenly leaves go of port- 
manteau, so that Brambleton is precipitated against table — 
alanned) But pardon, really, 'pon honor — I — I — assure you — I — 
I 

Bramble. Don't mention it ! [aside writhing) Right against the 
sharp corner — [turning to Cicely, who is arranging flowers on 
table) Just see to the lunch. 

Lav. [aside — looking at Cicely through eye-glass) "See to the 
lunch" — I thought she was the lady s maid! Well, that's the 
neatest little article in the ''all-work''' line, I ever clapped eyes 



on 



Bramble, [re-crossing to Lavender — pointing suggestively to 
Cicely — aside) Now, be gallant, you know. 

Lav. [aside, astoujided) What, with the housejnaid ? 

Bramble, [coming back to Lavender, and pointing as before) 
And I say, my boy, as soon as the first preliminaries are over, I 
authorize you to give her a kiss. 

Lav. [overcome with astonishment) " Give her a kiss ! " 

Bramble, [to Lavender, aside, chuckling) Say / told you ^ 

[giving Lavender a dig in the ribs) Ah ! you young dog, you ! 

Lav. [aside, dumfoundered) Ham I asleep, or awake ? I got up 
plaguy early this morning — [rubs his eyes in extreme bewilder- 
ment) 



ALL IN A FOG. II 

Bramble, {aside) I suppose I had better leave them together a 
little [to Cicely) Never mind the lunch I I'll supenntend it my- 
self !* [to Lavender) By bye, my boy, I'll be back presently ! [giv- 
im him another dig in the ribs) Ah ! you young dog, you ! 
^ Exit with portmanteau, R. 2 E. 

Lav. ( looking ^//^r Bramble through eye glass— slowly recovering 
from his surprise) Well, they are rum 'uns in the country ! [tapping 
himself on the forehead) Strikes me the guv'nor s a little >^obfus- 
cated in the hupper story. I— I'm a superior sort of a tella/i, 1 
know, but I neva/^ was made so much of before— not even m 
Mayfair — n^vahl 

Cicely [who, meanwhile, has been busy with flowers— coming 
down) Now then to see what the "model young bachelor ' is 

like 

Lav. [perceiving Cicely, condescendingly) Ah ! how de dar, my 
httle dear? how de darf [aside) Nice gal this, very nice gal. [con- 
ceitedly) I— I make it a rule never to talk to servants, but I sup- 
pose, under the circumstances, I must do the civil thmg. [aloud, 
coming to Cicely, and looking at her through eye glass) How de 
^ar, my dear, how de ^^^'.^ ,. , , r -i- 

Cicely, [aside, surprised) " My dear! —he s very famihar. 

Lav. [conceitedly) And how do we amuse ourselves in this ^out 
o' the way part of the world— eh, my little dairymaid ? 

Cicely, [aside, offended) His "little dairymaid!" [aloud, stiffly) 

Sir, I really ^^ ^„, , , , 

Lav. [mockingly) " Sir"— dear me ! Now come, I 11 lay odds, 
/«r//^/«r as you seem, you'll be distractingly in love with me be- 
fore the week's out. , rr ^_^ * 

Cicely [aside, offended) His conceit is really insufferable ! 

Lav. [aside, surprised) Plaguy stuck-up— countryfied notions : 
pity— doosed pity 1 [following her up) I say, my httle shepherdess, 
there's one thing I mean to hz-VQ— [emphatically) and that's a ktssl 
[puts his arm round her waist) 

Cicely, [indignantly, retreating) Udive done, sirl [aside, vexed) 
Why, he hasn t known me five minutes yet ! 

Re-Enter Brambleton, R. 2 E.— Lavender perceiving Bramle- 
TON, hastily withdraws a few paces from Cicely. 

Bramble, [jovially— not noticing proceedings) Lunch is quite 
ready — Come along, Rosemary ! 

Lav. [consequentially) Not Rosemary, sir, Lavender. 

Bramble. Ah, Lavender, to be sure ! [cfossing to Cicely, aside) 
What do you think of the "model young bachelor," eh? 

Cicely, [aside to Brambleton) I don't like him at all ! 

Bramble, [astounded, aside) Eh ! 1 • j 

Cicely, [vehemently, to ^^P^MBi.^TO'i^) He's a forward, conceited, 
presumptuous young man! I tell you once for all, I'll never 



12 WHO IS WHO? OR 

marry him! [crossing to door, l., impetuously) Never, never, 
never! Exit, hastily, L. 

Bramble, {aside, thunderstruck) T^xq deuce she won't!!! Now 
here's a pretty go — [seats himself, R., in a state of utter bewilder- 
ment) 

Lav. [who has, meanwhile, got up on stool in front of looking 
glass at back, and, after looking at himself complacently in glass, has 
struck a conceited attitude — looking after Cicely — aside) Thorough- 
bred httle cweechar; she'd be a ornament to Mayfair — she 
would, 'pon honor! 

Re-enter Matilda Jane at back, c. 

M. Jane, [looking admiringly at Lavender) There he is ! how 
noble is his hattitoods ! [sighing) Oh them whiskerses ! 

Lav. [looking round, aside) Our young missus^fine gal too- — but 
there's something about the little cweechar in the brown 'olland — 
[thumping himself on breast) Really, 'pon honor, I never felt any- 
thing like it before — [thumping himself on the chest, affectedly) It's 
Cupid — it's the little god — it is, 'pon honor ! 

Bramble, [who has remained utterly bewildered, rising, aside) 
My daughter says she won't marry him ; and when my daughter 
says 2l thing, she means it! But, anyhow, he'd better have his 
lunch, and I'll break the disagreeable intelligence to him after- 
wards, [aloud) Marjoram, my boy 

Lav. [coming forward — haughtily) Not Marjoram, sir, Laven- 
der. 

Bramble [stamping) Aye, Lavender to be sure — a — a — my dear 
fellow, you must be hungry ; step into the next room, and begin 
lunch without ceremony. I — I'll join you directly ! 

Lav. [condescendingly) Aw— aw — no hurry, you know — [going 
R.) 

Bramble, [following him) And, I say, don't spare the sherry ; 
you'll find the cigar box on the sideboard — choice Havannahs, my 
boy ! 

Lav. [at door R. 2. E. amazed) "Choice havannahs!" this 
bangs the Marquis all to shivers ! [affectedly) If that ^elegant 
little cweechar in the brown 'olland would only come and wait on 
me — why, Mayfair would be ^ fool to it! It would, 'pon honor! 

Exit, conceitedly, R. 2 E. 

M. Jane, [looking after Lavender, aside — sentimentally) I never 
took a fancy afore, but I've been and gone and done it this time ! 
Heigh-ho ! my young affections has fixed themselves on that 'ere 
elegant stranger, like periwinkles on a rock I I feels like a dairy- 
maid in love with a dook ! 

Bramble, [who has continued plunged in a brown study) Dear, 
dear! How am I to account for my daughter's refusal? [a loud 
ring heard ) 



ALL IN A FOG, 1 3 

M. Jane, {walking up to door at back, and looking off— in a 
melancholy tone) Please, sir, here's a young man with a railway 
rug and a carpet bag. 

Bramble, {preoccupied) Ah — the new man-servant, doubtless; 
there's a train just in — {irritably) Dear, dear, I'm in no humor to 
talk about wages and references just now ! Matilda Jane, do you 
stay here and talk to the new man-servant. Tell him I'll be back 
shortly, {aside — going) What a bitter disappointment it will be to 
poor Sweetbriar! Exit, R. 2 E. 

M. Jane, {in a 7nelanckoly tone) Stop and talk to the new man' 
servant! I don' t take no interest in new man-servants, now (^z^^/;^^) 
Heigho ! My young haffections is fixed on one o' the huppers ! 
{walking UP to door at back) It's a melancholy instance of what 
they calls love at first sight ! {looking off through door, C, care- 
lessly) Ah, there he is ; he's a-scraping his feet on the mat — what 
a funny little man he looks ! {relapsing into sentimentality) But 
what do I care ? {in a melancholy tone) He arn't got no whisker- 
ses ! (SwANHOPPER speaks outside) 

Swan. Sorry, very sorry indeed, to be so late — quite an acci- 
dent — I'll just step into the parlour! 

Enter Mr. Simonides Swanhopper, at back, c; he is attired very 
plainly, in a dark suit of tweeds, pot hat, pouch slung at his 
waist. He carries railway rug, small travelling bag, an umbrella, 
a large parcel under each arm, &'C. (n. b. — He speaks through- 
out with almost pedantic precision) 

Swan, {bowing to Matilda Jane) Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton 
at home ? 

M. Jane, {consequentially) He'll be here presently. 

Swan, {surprised) Presently? 

M. Jane, {pertly) Yes ! you're not above waiting a few minutes, 
I suppose. 

Swan, {surprised) Eh ! No — oh dear no. {aside) I am consider- 
ably behind time ! I just missed my train, through upsetting an 
old woman's apple stall, as I turned a sharp corner. 

M. Jane, {disdainfully) I was told to stop and talk to you. 

Swan, {politely) Indeed ! {aside) A remarkably fine girl. 
{struck by a sudden idea) Good gracious — is it possible I can be 
addressing — surely it must be, or he wouldn't have asked her to 
stop and talk to me ! How very awkward to make my first 
appearance, thus, unintroduced — I'm getting red in the face — I'm 
sure I am ; I always get red in the face when I talk to a pretty 
girl ! {aloud, politely) I — I'll crave permission to deposit these few 
articles on yonder sofa. 

M. Jane, {vacantly) Deposit them wherever you please, /don't 
care where you deposit them ! 

Swan, {aside, putting bag &^c., on sofa, surprised) Somewhat. 



14 WHO IS WHO? OR 

distant in manner Peppercorn told me she was just a little self- 
willed- — I had better allude to the object of my visit, {striking atti- 
tude and extending his arm) Ahem ! [aloud, in a declamatory 
tone) I have journeyed all the way from London in the hope — I 
may say in the expectation — or rather in the fervent belief- 

M. Jane, '^sharply) There, there, you'd better tell all that to 
Mr. Brambleton! 

Swan, {with grotesque enthusiasm, striking attitude) Ah, to that 
moment I look forward with hope mingled with fear — with fear^ 
mingled with rapture — vj\\}ci rapture, blended with ecstacy ! 

M. Jane, [bursting into a fit of laughter) Ha ! ha ! ha ! well, he 
is a character [stopping short) But I ain't got sperrits to laugh; 
I'm what they call nipped in the <^«^— that's what /am ! Heigho ! 

Heaves a deep sigh and Exit, L. 

Swan, [puzzled) There seems a slight shade of •' keep-off-ish- 
ness" about that young lady ; it must be the family blood ! Pep- 
percorn told me that the Brambletons came over with WiUiam 
the Conqueror — I almost wish they hadnt; it makes people so 
bounceable ! I'm beginning to think that a wife who came over 
with WiUiam the Conqueror, may possibly " come over" me! 

Re-enter Cicely, l. 

Cicely, [perceiving S^ K^YiovvY.^ Oh, the new man-servant ; — 
I heard he had arrived. 

Swan, [aside) Anothernice g'lrW Who's she, I wonder? 

Cicely. You've just reached Brambleton Hall, I presume, my 
good man ? 

Swan, [aside, surprised) Her "good man!" [aloud, politely) I 
put in an appearance not three minutes ago. 

Cicely, [aside) I rather like the look of him — ^he seems so quiet 
and respectful, [aloud) I have every reason to beheve you will 
be comfortable here — Mr. Brambleton is a kind and generous 
master. 

Swan, [aside, puzzled) " Master ? " Oh, I see, the maid-servant 
—I didn't notice the cipron before. Nice little creature ; not so 
imposing as her mistress — her ancestors did not come over with 
William the Conqueror, [aloud] So, Mr. Brambleton, you say, is 
kind to his servants? 

Cicely. He is benevolence itself. 

Swan, [glancing significantly at Cicely) I'm sViXQ\\^ ought to 
be. [sentimentally) Many owe their menial station to fortune's stern 
decree ! 

Cicely, [looking compassionatly at Swanhopper) Most true. 
[aside) Poor fellow ! he has evidently experienced some great 
reverse ! 

Swan, [aside, puzzled) This handmaiden must have seen better 
days, [aloud, looking compassionately at her) Such is life ! We 



ALL IN A FOG. 15 

never know what's in store for us ! [with burlesque sentimentality^ 
One day we are at the top of the tree^ the next we are at the bottom 
of the pond ! 

Cicely, [aside, admiringly) His sentiments are really superior to 
his station ! [aloud, interested ) Your parents have probably known 
the blessings of affluence ! 

Swan, [aside — surprised) What does she mean? [aloud) My 
excellent father made a snug fortune in i\ie goose-quill dind peacock- 
feather line. 

Cicely, [aside — sympathetically) And lost it all in railway share s^ 
I've no doubt. 

Swan, [sentimentally') But fortune does not always constitute 
happiness ! For my own part, when I left London this morning, 
[striking attitude) I thought the summit of earthly felicity would be 
attained, if I only succeeded in the cherished object of my anxious 
mission ! 

Cicely, [aside — surprised) What very superior language for a 
person in his sphere ! I am strongly prepossessed in this young 
man's favour — I trust papa will engage him. [aloud, looking off , 
R.) See, here comes Mr. Brambleton! I withdraw, in order that 
you may converse together respecting the object of your visit. 

Exit, L. 

Swan, [evidently puzzled) Singularly choice phraseology for the 
wearer of a brown hoUand apron ! Education is evidently making 
rapid strides in this part of the world ! 

Re-enter Brambleton, r. 2 e. 

Bramble, [aside, as he enters) Can't pluck up courage to break 
it to the young fellow. It's too bad of Cicely, it really is ! 

Swan, [aside — nervously) He doesn't see me — [coughing) Ahem ! 

Bramble, [turning round) Oh, it's you, is it ? 

Swan, [striking an attitude) Yes, 'tis /, Mr. Bloomfield Bram- 
bleton, 'tis I — I'm very late. 

Bramble, [chuffly) You are — very late — very late indeed I 

Swan, [aside, ecstatically) To think that I am talking to the 
father of the future Mrs. Simonides Swanhopper — the grandfather, 
possibly, of a fluttering tribe of chirrupping Swanhoppers ! 

Bramble, [scrutinizing hijn) The preliminaries are already set- 
tled ; you've been very highly recommended to me — you'll do. 

Swan, [aside, slightly puzzled) I'll "do" — that's all right. I 
had no idea it would be so quickly settled ! 

Bramble, [chuffly) Let me see — I — I — forget your name. 

Swan, [mildly) My name is — Swanhopper. 

Bramble, [surprised) Swanhopper I don't like that name at all ! 

Swan, [surprised) You don't like it? 

Bramble. No, I can't be shouting " Swanhopper I '' all day 
long ! What's your other name ? 



l6 WHO IS WHO? OR 

Swan, [quie/fy) Simonides. 

Bramble, [starting) Simonides / t\i2it' s worse \ It's most absurd 
that a man like you should have such a name as Simonides ! 

Swan, [jnildly) Well, you see, I didn't choose it myself. 

Bramble, [chuffly) Don't talk, sir ! {reflecting) I tell you what I 
must do — I'll shorten the appellation — I — I'll call you Bob. 

Swan, [excessively surprised) Bob!! 

Bramble. Yes, it's a good name, and easy to pronounce. 

Swan, [quietly) Viewed in that light, the name doubtless has its 
advantages, [complacently) There was once a Bruce, King of Scot- 
land — his name was Bob. 

Bramble, [shortly) It was. 

Swan. Then there was Burns, the poet — 

Bramble, [surprised) True I [aside) He seems well up in bio- 
graphy, [aloud — chuflHy) Now then, Robert Bruce — no ! I mean 
Bob hopper — why, where is he ? [looks all round for Swanhopper, 
who has meanwhile walked up, and quietly laid himself full length 
ou the sofa at back — catching sight of him, roaring) Don't lie down 
while I'm talking to you ! ! 

Swan, [surprised, quietly turning on his side) A — a — you see — a 
— a — I'm rather tired ! 

Bramble, [roaring) Get up directly, sir ! (Swanhopper starts 
into a sitting posture) Tired, indeed ! Why you've done nothing 
yet ! You had better get to work at once ! 

Swan, [surprised) Work! What work? [rises slowly and comes 
down) 

Bramble, [sarcastically) Whatworkl You don t suTppose you ve 
come down here to amuse yourself, do you ! I — I wish you to 
commence operations at once. 

Swan, [puzzled.) Commence operations! [struck by a sudden 
idea) Aha! I see. [laughing) Ha! ha! ha! Facetious — very — 
comic — decidedly ! What a funny man you are ! [digs Bramble- 
ton in the ribs) 

Bramble, [sternly) I say, Bob ! I'll trouble you not to behave in 
that rude manner. 

Swan, [surprised) I — I really beg pardon, but your remarks are 
so replete with humor, so fraught with facetiousness 

Bramble. Never you mind what they are ! Now then, [rubbing 
his hands) what can you do? 

Swan, [puzzled) What can I do? I — I can do a great many 
things — [simply) I can play the flute ! 

Bramble, [angrily) Play the flute! You won't play it here, /can 
tell you ! I — I suppose you can brush clothes — bottle wine 

Swan, [enormously puzzled) Well, I dare say I could — if I were 
to try. 

Bramble.- [sharply) Try! you'll have to try, and no mistake! 
{aside) Extraordinary man-servant this ; he evidently knows more 



ALL IN A FOG. \f 

of biography than of boot-blacking ! {aloud, sarcastically) I imag- 
ine — at a pinch, if required, you can [imitates action of blacking 

and brushing boot) 

Swan, [mechanically imitating Bram.bl.kton's gesture, puzzled) 
No, I don't think I can. 

Bramble, [amazed) Do you mean to tell m<? you can t [repeats 

gesture of blacking boots) 

Swan. (^?/?W/j/) Haven't the slightest notion of [repeats Bram- 

bleton' s pantomime) 

Bramble, [bursting out, angrily) Then what the deuce can you 
do ? [aside) Stay — perhaps his abilities lie in a more scientific di- 
rection, [aloud) Can you cook? 

Swan, [puzzled, quietiy) Well, I once made 2l pancake — for a 
lark. 

Bramble, [starting) For a lark, sir ? [roaring) Allow me to in- 
form you that if you make a pancake here, it will not be for a lark, 
sir! 

Swan, [bewildered) But I really don't see the necessity for these 
peculiar quahfications ! 

Bramble, [angrily) You don't see I you don't seem to see any- 
thing I [aside, angrily) I'll never apply to a registry office again. 
"A I," mdeed ! the fellow's utterly useless ! 

Swan, [aside , puzzled) Well, Peppercorn said he was /^<:z<;/?ar 
— it strikes me he's out of his mind! 

Bramble, [who has meanwhile been dodging round Swanhopper, 
and examining his garments) So strangely dressed for a man in 
his station — [aloud — suddenly, shouting) Bob ! 

(Swanhopper starts, looks up, resuines his 7nediiations 
— Brambleton shouting still more loudly " Bob ! ") 

Swan, [starting, and looking all round) Who's Bob ? 

Bramble, [impatiently) Who's Bob? Why , you' re Boh I 

Swan, [remembering) Oh, ah I [aside) Hang it ! I forgot he had 
altered my name. 

Bramble. What clothes have you brought with you ? 

Swan, [quietly) A flannel jacket, a tooth brush, and a cake of 
brown Windsor. 

Bramble, [angrily) Brown nonsense ! [struck by a sudden idea — 
crossing to door, l.) Stay ! {calling) Cicely ! 

Re-enter CiCELY, L. 

Cicely, [entering) Here I am ! 

Bramble. Bring me my old nankeen-smoking jacket with the red 
stripes. 

Cicely, [running across to, R.) I'll look for it directly. 

Exit, R. 

Bramble, [crossing to Swanhopper) Now then, sir — take off thai 
coat ! 



l8 WHO IS WHO? OR 

Swan, [surprised) Take off this coat? 

Bramble, [imperatively] Take it off at once, sir ! 

Swan, [aside, ineckanicaily taking off his coat) He can't surely 
be going to fight me t — he seems very WiUiam-the-Conquerish ! I 
don't feel altogether comfortable in this estabhshment. I'm get- 
ting red in the face — I know I am ! 

Re-enter Cicely, r., carrying a peculiar looking Nankeen jacket 
with large red stripes. 

Cicely, [as she enters) I wasn't long finding it, was I ? 

Bramble, [taking jacket, and throwing it to Swanhopper) Now 
then, pop that on ! 

Swan, [bewildered) Pop Mw on ? [picking up jacket) 

Bramble. Yes — it's the very thing for you — [aside) I'll just set 
him to work at once ! Exit, hastily, R. 2 E. 

Cicely, [looking at Swanhopper) Poor young man — how acute- 
ly he feels his position. I really am quite interested in him. [walks 
up) 

Swan, [putting on Nankeen jacket which is immensely large for 
him) Well, he certainly isa very eccentric gentleman ; however, it's 
very kind of him to lend me his garment — he evidently wishes me 
to make myself at home, [looking at himself) It isn't much of ^.fit — 
or rather it's too much of a fit ! [drawing jacket tightly round him) 
Jacket ! why, it's more like a great coat ; it goes round and round 
me ! [sitting down in arm chair) There's a certain air of " rurali- 
ty " about it, though — I once saw a haymaker in something of the 
sort — I'll just have a few moments calm repose ! [throws one leg 
over the arjn of chair) 

Re-enter Brambleton, R. 2 E. with a pair of top boots in his 

hand. 

Bramble, [looking round, not seeing Swanhopper, who is con- 
cealed by back of arm chair) Why, where is he ? [after looking all 
round, suddenly catches sight of him) Why, there he is, in my arm 
chair \ ! [aloud— chuffly) I say, just get out o' that, will you? 

Swan, [surprised — m/«^} Get out of it ? [aside— puzzled) Why, 
the old fellow won't let me sit down a minute ! 

B.ramble. [scrutinizing Swanhopper' s jacket) Ah ! that looks 
more the style of thing. Now then, I'll get you to black these top 
boots for me. [drops them at Swanhopper's^/^.?/) 

Swan, [starting, thunderstruck) Black those top boots ! ! ! 

Bramble. Yes — at once — d'ye hear? [aside, looking off, R.) I 
must take my guest for a ride, presently. 

Swan, [dreadfully offended, advancing and striking a dignified 
attitude) Mr. Brambleton, sir! All labour is honourable, provided 
it be only useful — but blacking boots is an occupation in which I 
do not pretend to shine I 



ALL IN A FOG. 1 9 

Bramble, {roaring) Then take that jacket off, and step it back 
to town by the very next train. 

Swan, [aside, offended) Step it back! I will step it back, in 
double quick time ! I'm getting very red in the face, I know I 
am ! {struck by a sudden idea) But no! this must be some ordeal, 
some QyXx2iQ>xdS.W2S^ probation, to wliich this eccentric person is sub- 
jecting me ! 

Cicely, {approaching Swanhopper, aside to him encouragingly) 
Courage I Quail not beneath stern Fortune's frowns, but man- 
fully fulfil your duty ! {walks up) 

Swan, {aside, sentimentally) Kind is the lovely little housemaid ; 
I'll take her advice — she seems to understand this elderly lunatic's 
peculiarities — I only wish / had known a little more about them 
before I left town this morning ! {picks up the boots) 

Re-enter Lavender, r. 2 e., luxuriously sjnoking a cigar. 

Lav. {as he . enters) Prime cigar — very prime ! {looking at 
Swanhopper, who has a boot in each hand) Halloa! footman's 
deppity, I presume, {suddenly catching sight of Cicely) Why, 
there's the lovely little cwechar in the brown 'oUand ! {affectedly, 
thumping his chest) It's Cupid — it's the little god — it is, 'pon 
honor ■ 

Bramble, {aside, perceiving Lavender) Poor young fellow — 
what a blow it will be to him ! 

Swan, {who has, meanwhile, taken up top boots, and, with a 
variety of indignant gestures, has inserted one arm in each of them) 
Talk about transmogrification — there's nothing in Ovid's Met- 
amorphoses to come up to this ! {indignantly) Instead of asking me 
to take a little refreshment, my eccentric host makes me black his 
boots ! 

Cicely, {aside, commiseratingly) Poor fellow* he seems quite 
ashamed of his menial occupation ! {approaching Swanhopper, 
and pointing off , R. IE.) That's the way to the kitchen. 

Swan, {aside) Kitchen indeed ! {glancing at Cicely) Thank 
you ; I — I'm much obliged, {aside) Sweet little creature, that 
housemaid ; her brown holland but enhances her beauty ! 
{suddenly remembering boots, and shaking his fists, with a boot on 
each) Confound the boots ! /'ll give it Peppercorn for this ! 

Flourishes boots, with gestures indicative 
of extreme indignation, and Exit, R. i e. 

Cicely, {aside, looking after Swanhopper) I declare he's going 
into papa's study ! I had better show him the way. 

{is about to Exit, R. i e. ) 

Bramble. Where are you going, miss ? {crossing to her, aside, 
coaxingly) Just say a civil word to Mr. a — a — Jack-in-the-Green — 
[angrily) what the devil's his name? 
^ Cicely, {aside to Brambleton) I have already told you I'll have 



20 WHO IS WHO? OR 

nothing to do with that gentleman — and you know, papa, I never 
alter my mind ! {crossing, r. ) Never ! never ! never ! 

Exit, R. I E. 

Bramble, [aside, ruefully^ Thai settles the question ! I must 
break the unpleasant truth to the young fellow without further 
delay — [approaching Lavender) I am really very sorry, my dear 
Gilliflower 

Lav. [interrupting^ Not Gilhflower, my dear sir — Lavender. 
Think of sixteen branches a penny ! 

Bramble. Ah, to be sure. My dear Lavender, I — I — I'm sorry 
to inform you that my daughter doesn't approve of you 

Lav. [surprised) Doesn't approve of me ? 

Bramble. She doesn't like you a bit ; it will therefore be im- 
possible for me to bestow on you my daughter's hand ! 

Lav. [starting violently, thunderstruck) Your daughter s hand I 
[utterly overcome) Well, sir, the very /ndea does me proud, and 
grateful to you, I ^am, for /lever ^entertaining it; but if the 
young lady thinks /!Otherwise, [conceitedly) why between you and 
me, sir, it doesn't much matter. 

Bramble, [surprised) The ^^fz/// it doesn't ! 

Lav. [rather confused) You see, sir, the heart o' man is a /^inde- 
pendent -^orgin, and I feels myself bound to confess 

Bramble, [impatiently) What — what — what? 

Lav. That I've conceived a /^unmistakable attachment 

[hesitating) for your 'ousemaid. 

Bramble, [thunderstruck) For my housemaid? [in a towering pas- 
sion) How dare you conceive anything so ignominious ? 

Lav. [hurriedly) But my intentions are honourable 

Bramble, [roaring) Hang your intentions, sir — get out of my 
house, sir ! 

Lav. [hurriedly) I intends to lead her to the ^altar 

Bramble, [roaring and walking Lavender up to door at back) 
you'll not lead her anywhere, sir I Go away, sir! [aside) I never 
was so insulted in all my life ! 

Lav. [expostulating) But really, sir 

Bramble, [angrily, walking him up) I'll hear no more, sir — go, 
sir — ^be off, sir ! 

Lav. [at door) You mis/zapprehend my ^object 

Bramble, [roaring) Get out of my house, sir ! Fly ! Vanish ! 
Begone ! [comes down indignantly) 

Lav. [near door c.) I always thought he was a manywhack — 
and now I am sure of it ! 

Takes up Swanhopper's hat from sofa 
at back, and Exit majestically, C. D. 

Bramble, [in a paroxysm of anger) The scoundrel comes down 
here to propose to my daughter, and falls in love with my ?naid- 
servant! If this is Peppercorn's notion of a model young bachelor, 
I'm sorry for him ! [falls into arm chair, utterly exhausted) 



ALL IN A FOG, 21 



Re-enter Cicely, r. i e. 



Cicely, [aside, as she enters) Papa's alone — how very fortunate ! 
[approaching Brambleton, aloud) Papa, I want to speak to you, 
very particularly. 

Bramble, [starting from his reverie) Eh ! What's the matter 
now ? 

Cicely, [timidly) You know, papa, we are none of as masters of 
our inclinations. You'll be greatly surprised, but I consider it my 
duty to confess 

Bramble, [starting, alarmed ) Another confession ! 

Cicely, [timidly) To confess that I have conceived a deeply 
rooted attachment for 

Bramble, [on thorns) Go on^go on ! 

Cicely, [casting down her eyes) For the new man-servant ! 

Bramble, [bounding off his chair, thunderstruck) The new-man- 
servant! ! Malediction and confusion ! M.^ daughter s in love with 
my man-servant now ! [tragically) Unhappy girl ! How came you 
to fall in love with a wretched shoe-black? [bitterly) Shoe-black! he 
isn't even that, for he doesni know how ! 

Cicely, [innocently) There's no accounting for these things, you 
know. 

Bramble, [indignantly) I should think ?z^^ indeed ! [utterly over- 
come) I declare my head's going round and round like a whirli- 
gig at a fair ! 

Re-enter SWANHOPPER, R. IE., with a pair of top boots in his hand. 

Swan, [aside, looking complacently at boots) Well, for a first 
attempt, I've imparted a very tolerable amount of lustre ; [hold- 
ing up boot) 1 can see the tip of my nose most distinctly ; I'm get- 
ting red in the face — I can see I am ! 

Cicely, [aside, perceiving Swanhopper) He comes ! How my 
heart beats ! 

Bramble, [suddenly perceiving Swanhopper — starting up) Oh, 
there you are ! ( rushing angrily at Swanhopper, and seizing him 
by the collar) Wretched young man ! is this the way you repay 
my favors ! 

Swan, [struggling) Your favors ! [breaks from Brambleton) 
Do you call this sort of \k(\v\g favors? [dashes boots angrily on the 
ground) Take your favors ! 

Bramble. Aha! [bobbing aside to avoid boots, furiously) Howl^^r-? 
you, in your sphere of life, presume to make advances to my 
daughter ? 

Swan, [utterly mystified) In my sphere of life ! And why not in 
my sphere of life, sir? [striking attitude) I repeat, sir w^_^ not? 

Bramble, [angrily) "Why not!" He owns it — he tacitly owns 
it ! [stumbles over one of the top-boots turns round and kicks it, 
angrily to back of stagey 



22 • WHO IS WHO? OR 

Swan, [aside, very angry) His daughter! I don't care two pence 
for his daughter! [^looking tenderly at Cicely) The image of yon- 
der lovely handmaiden has imprinted itself on my too susceptible 
heart ! [tragically — aside) Yes ! I, Simonides Swanhopper, have 
this day blacked a pair of boots ; but, to win a smile from that 
celestial embodiment of nine pounds per annum, I'd clean the 
knives— y^r ever I ! [altering his manner — ruefully) But no ! it 
must not be ; my word is pledged to Peppercorn — the sooner I 
fulfil my compact the better ! [taking centre and striking attitude) 
Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton, sir ! [with a gulp) I have the honour 
to ask you for your daughter's hand ! 

Cicely, [aside, delighted) Eh ! 

Bramble, [speechless with indignation) You ask me for my daugh- 
ter's hand ! ! [in a towering passion, giving him a kick) Take 
it ! ! ! 

Swan, [roaring) O-o-h ! [mortally offended) Sir, you've stung 
me to the quick ! 

Bramble, [roaring^ Get out of my house, sir! 

Swan, [furious^ Eccentricity is all very well in its way, but I 
can't stand this any longer. I'm getting red in the face, I know I 
am ! I shall be red all over if this goes on ! [stumbles over the 
top-boot, which he kicks to the back of stage) Confound these prec- 
ious boots ! 

Bramble, [furious) Don't kick my boots about sir ! 

Swan, [walking to and fro, aside) I never was so treated in all 
my hfe 1 the man must be a raving lunatic ! 

Re-enter Matilda Jane, l. 

M. Jane, [aside, sentimentally) My feelin's is to much for me — I 
must unbuzzin myself to master, or I shall bust ! 

Swan, [approaching Matilda Jane) For _;y^z^r sake I have en- 
dured a great deal, but I'll not put up with any more ! 

M. Jane, [aside ^ surprised) What does the man mean I 

Bramble, [aside, bewildered) For ^^r sake ? why, he's sentimen- 
tal on the maid-servant now ! [with concetitrated resolution) 
Where's my gold-headed bamboo? [rushes to corner and fetches 
bamboo) 

Cicely, [imploringly) For goodness sake ! Oh, something dread- 
ful will happen ! 

Bramble, [rushing at Swanhopper, with bamboo) Now then, 
oblige me by stepping it instanter ! 

Swan, [with much dignity, taking up carpet bag) I will step it — 
instantissimer ! [turns to Matilda Jane) Fair damsel ! you'll bear 
witness to the treatment I've received, [kissing his hand to Cicely 
— sentimentally) Beauteous maiden, farewell ! [in his agitation, he 
unconsciously takes up Lavender's white hat from the table. Jams it 



ALL IN A FOG. 23 

fiercely on his head, and makes for door— with intense emphasis) 
Mr. Bloomfield Brambleton, for the present, I will merely observe 
— Good morning ! ! 

Exit, angrily, at back, with carpet bag — 
still wearing nankeen jacket and white hat. 

Cicely, [tearfully, to Brambleton) But he must not be turned 
out in this unjust manner — what has the poor fellow done? 

Bramble, [angrily) Hold your tongue, miss! 

Cicely, [imploringly) But, my dear papa— — 

Bramble, [with bombastic sternness) Go to your chamber, miss, 
and lock yourself m—for ever! I ! 

Cicely, [impetuously) Oh, what a cruel, cruel papa ! Exit, l. 

Bramble, [utterly overcome, turning to MATILDA Jane, patheti- 
cally) Oh, Matilda Jane, Matilda Jane, unheard of things are tak- 
ing place ! My daughter, my son-in-law, my man-servant, all 
conspire to drive me out of my senses ! thou alone — thou faithful 
maid-of-all-work — thou alone art left me ! [carried away by his 
emotion, he throws his arms round M. Jane) 

M.Jane, [struggling) Don't sir! a-done, sir ! for goodness sake, 

sir [pushes him away) Ah, sir [in a. melancholy tone) I — I've 

got a summat on my mind, sir. 

Bramble, [starting) Eh ! 

M. Jane, [whimpering) Yes, sir. I — I feels it my dooty to con- 



fess- 



Brambie. [dreadfully alarmed) Another confession ! 

M. Jane, [whimpering) I've been and taken z. hunextinguishable 



fancy 

Bramble, [wildly) To whom f To whom ? 

M. Jane, [convulsively) To — to — to your son-in-law! 

Bramble, [starting as if electrified) Aha ! I 1 This is the finishing 
stroke ! this about settles it ! [wildly) The prescribed order of 
things is completely inverted, and confusion, worse confounded, 
reigns supreme ! 

M. Jane, [whimpering) You'd better turn me out, at once, sir, 
for when / takes a fancy to any one, I never gets over it I [sobbing) 
I couldn't help it, sir, it was them whiskerses as did it ! 

Bramble, [bitterly) Whiskerses, indeed I Get out of my sight ! 
Fly ! Begone ! 

M. Jane, [drying her eyes) Oh, thankee, sir! I — I'll go and pack 
up my box : for the sooner I forgets them faskinatin' appendages, 
the better ! [sentimentally) Ah! it's a dreadful thing, sir, for a 
young 'ousemaid to be nipped vs\ the bud! Exit L. 

Bramble, [alone — in a tone of calm bewilderment) Let me 
endeavor to collect my scattered senses, and calmly consider how 
matters stand at present, [calculating on his fingers) My bachelor 
maid-of-aJi-work has proposed for my daughter's hand — No ! My 



24 WHO IS WHOf OR 

model young man-servant is desirous of marrying my spinster son- 
in-law — No ! {utterly bewildered) I cant malie it out — I'm all in a 
fog ! I'm all in a fog. 

Re-enter Lavender, c. 

Lav. [angrily) Aw — aw — in the ^indignation of the moment I 
forgot my portmanteau ! 

Bramble, [bewildered) Your portmanteau ? 

Lav. [haughtily)Yes, sir ! You just now -bordered me ^ofF the 
premises, sir, and >^off 1 goes according — but, previous to startin', 
I'll just trouble you to 'and ^over the travelling expenses I 

Bramble, [surprised) The travelli7ig expenses ? 

Lav. [haughtily) Yes, sir! I speculated all my "ready" in the 
fare down, to say nothing of the registry fee ! 

Bramble, [astounded) Registry fee ! [looking at Lavender, in 
great perplexity) You came here at the instance and suggestion of 
my dear friend, Peppercorn ? 

Lav. [consequentially) " Peppercorn? " — never heard the name! 

Bramble, [struck by a sudden suspicion) Are you, or are you 
not, the " model young bachelor " recommended to me for a son- 
in-law ? 

Lav. [surprised) " Model young bachelor? " — I understood you 
wanted a superior hupper jnan-servant ! 

Bramble, [clapping both hands to his forehead) Man-servant ! ! 
What vivid gleam of forked lightning flashes through my bewild- 
dered brain ? [turning to Lavender) Are you the man-servant? 

Lav. [consequentially, striking attitude) In harristocratic circles 
we calls it — " wally-de-sham!'''' 

Bramble, [suddenly remembering, horrified) Good gracious! 
Then ^f?<^hopper was the "model young bachelor!" [clasping 
his hands) and I've made him polish top boots! 

Re-enter Simonides Swanhopper, c. at back, still wearing nan- 
keen jacket and white hat. 

Swan, [with immense dignity) I forgot to return your odious 
jacket ! [takes off jacket majestically and throws it at Brambleton's 
feet — he then takes his own coat from chair and makes for door) 

Bramble, [while Swanhopper is thus occupied) Hold, young 
man, hold ! — it was all a mistake I Idiot that I was ! [rushes to 
table and seizes bamboo — Swanhopper and Lavender, mistaking 
Brambleton's intention, rush down stage in violent alarm, one r., 
the other L. ) 

■r^ ' \ [alarmed) Halloa! 

Bramble, [following up Swanhopper) Oblige me by taking this 



ALL IN A FOG. 25 

hzwA-^OQ)— presents it to Swanhopper — e7iiphaticaUy) and by laying 
into iiie with all your might and main ! 
Swan. 



y r [surprised] What ! 

Bramble, {imploringly) Now do oblige me, Bobniofiides, just a 
rap or two ! 

Swan, [brandishing bamboo, aside) T should rather like to give 
him one for himself — [aloud, mag7ianimously , as though resisting a 
strong temptation) No, sir! you are your father's daughter — [throws 
away stick) I mean your daughter's father! [tableau) 

Bramble, [with a burst of feeling) Sublime instance of heroic 
forgiveness I 

Re-enter Matilda Jane, l. 

M. Jane, [in a melancholy tone) Before I goes, sir [suddenly 

catches sight of Lavender — pathetically, aside) Oh them whisk- 
erseslf [aloud, in great agitation) Before I goes, sir, perhaps you' 11 
count the spoons, sir, and examine my box. 

Swan, 



T f Examine her box 1 1 

Lav. j 

Bramble, [hurriedly) I shan't examine anything! Where's my 

daughter? 

wan. \ [pointing to Matilda Jane) Why, there she is! 

Bramble, [surprised) That ! that's my housemaid I 

, ' \ [astounded ) The devil she is ! ! ! 

Re-enter CiCELY, L. 

Cicely, [surprised) What's going on now, papa ? 

Swan. ] D , , , , 

Lav. \P^'P^!-'! 

Swan, [astounded) Why, the maid-servant \^ the mistress! 

Lav. [astounded) Why, the mistress is the maid-servant I 

Cicely. But what's the matter? 

Bramble, [to CiCELY, with immense emphasis) The matter is, that 
everybody is somebody else, and nobody is who he ought to be ! 
My man-servant [pointing to Swanhopper) turns out to be my 
son-in-law ! 

Cicely, [aside, delighted) Oh, how delightful ! 

Bramble. And vay son-in-law (/(?m//?z^ /<? Lavender) turns out 
to be my man-servant ! 

M. Jane, [tumultuously , aside) Oh, how //enchanting ! 

Swan. And the angelic little housemaid turns out exactly what I 
wanted her to be ! [approaching Cicely) Despite the brown 
holland, my heart was ;/£;/ mistaken ! [kisses her hand) 



26 l^-^HO IS WHO? 

Lav. [aside) My /^arristocratic /zinstincts was rig/ii after all — it 
was the lady as /cottoned to, though she did wear a ^apron. 
{seiiiimentaUy) Anyhow, the houseinaid' s a precious fine girl — I 
sticks to the siiyvation ! 

Bramble. {7nitch relieved') Well, we've been in a terrible fog; 
but, thank goodness, we have found out " who is who'' at last. 

Cicely. But our mistakes and misunderstandings have not been 
in vain 

Swan. If they have afforded our kind friends amusement, [com- 
ing down to footlights) Ladies and gentlemen — [as though to him- 
self) I'm getting red in the face, I know I am! [aloud, recommenc- 
ing) Ladies and gentlemen — you not only know " who is who," 
but also " what is what ! " May, then, the bright sunshine of your 
approbation dispel the mist by which we have been surrounded, 
and assure us that you have derived entertainment from seeing 
us 

All. [in chorus) All in a Fog ! 

Swan 

M. Jane. Cicely. 

Lav. Bram. 

CURTAIN 




^ UNCLE TOM'S CABIN (NEW VERSION.) 

A MELODRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, BY CIIAS. TOWN SEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, five female characters (some of the characters play two parts). 
T;m.e of playing, 2^ hours. This i-; a new acting edition of a prime old favorite] 
so simplified in the stage-setting as to be easily represented by dramatic clubs and 
travelling companies with limited scenery. Uncle '1'om's Cabin is a play that never 
grows old ; being pure and faultless, it commands the praise of the pulpit and sup- 
port of the press, while it enlists the favor of all Christians and heads of families. It 
will draw hundreds where other plays draw dozens, and therefore is sure to fill any hal'. 

Synopsis of Incidents : Act \.— Scene /.—The Shelby plantation in Kentucky.— 
George and Eliza.— The curse of Slavery.— The resolve.— Off for Canada.—" I won't 
be taken— I'll die first."— Shelby and Haley.— Uncle Tom and Harry must be sold.— 
The poor mother.—" Sell my boy ! "—The faithful slave. Scene //.—Gumption 
Cute.—" By Gum ! "—Marks, the lawyer. — A mad Yankee.— George in disguise.— A 
friend in need. — The human bloodhounds. — The escape. — " Hooray fer old Var- 
mount ! " 

Act II.— St. Clare's elegant home.— The fretful wife.— The arrival.— Little Eva.— 
Aunt Ophelia and Topsy.— " O, Golly! I'se so wicked ! "—St. Clare's opinion.— 
" Benighted innocence." — The stolen gloves. — Topsy in her glory. 

Act III.— The angel child.— Tom and St. Clare.— Topsy's mischief.— Eva's re- 
quest.— The promise.— pathetic scene.— Death of Eva.— St. Clare's grief.—" For thou 
art gone forever." 

Act IV.— The lonely house,— Tom and St. Clare.— Topsy's keepsake.— Deacon 
Perry and Aunt Ophelia.— Cute on deck.— A distant relative.— The hungry visitor.- 
Chuck full of emptiness."— Cute and the Deacon.— A row. — A fight. — Topsy to the 
rescue.— St. Clare wounded.— Death of St. Clare.—" Eva— Eva— I am coming " 

Act v.— Leeree's plantation on the Red River.— Home again.— Uncle Tom's 
noble heart.—" My soul ain't yours, Mas'r." — Legree"s cruel work. — Legree and Cassy. 
—The white slave.— A frighieJied brute.— Legree's fear.— A life of sin.— Marks and 
Cute.— A new scheme.— The dreadful whipping of Uncle Tom.— Legree punished at 
last.— Death of Uncle Tom. — Eva in Heaven. 



THE WOVEN WEB. 

A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWN SEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, three female characters, viz. : leading and second juvenile men, so- 
ciety villain, walking gentleman, eccentric comedian, old man, low comedian, Itading 
juvenile lady, soubretie and old woman. Time of playing, 2j^ hours. The Woven Web 
is a flawless drama, pure in thought and action, with excellent characters, and pre- 
senting no difficulties in costumes or scenery. The story is captivating, with a p'ot 
of the most intense and unflagging interest, rising to a natural climax of wonderful 
power. The wit is bright and sparkling, the action terse, sharp and rapid. In touch- 
ing the great chord of human sympathy, the author has expended that rare skill 
which has given life to every great play known to the stage. This play has been 
produced under the author's management with marked success, and will prove 
an unquestionable attraction wherever presented. 

Synopsis of Incidents: Act I.- Parkhurst & Manning's law office, New York. 
—Tim's opinion.— The young lawyer.— '" Majah Billy Toby, sah ! "—Love and law. 
—Bright prospects.— Bertha's misfortune.— A false (riend.— The will destroyed.— A 
cunning plot.— Weaving the web.— The unseen witness.— The letter.— Accused.— 
Dishonored. 

Act II.— Winter quarters.— Colonel Hastings and Sergeant Tim.— Moses.— A 
me«sage.— Tim on his dignity.— The arrival.— Playing soldier.— The secret.— The 
promise.— Harry in danger. — Love and duty.— The promise kept. — " Saved, at the 
loss of my own honor ! " 

Act III.— Drawing-room at Falconer's.— Reading the news.— "Apply to Judy ! " 
— Louise's romance. — Important news.— Bertha's fears. — Leamington's arrival. — 
Drawing the web.— Threatened.— Plotting.— Harry and Bertha.— A fiendish lie.— H ace 
to face.— " Do you know him? "—Denounced.— "• Your life shall be the penalty!"— 
Startling tableau. 

Act IV.— At Uncle Toby's.— A wonderful c llmate.— An impudent rascal.— A bit 
of history.— Woman's wit.— Toby Indignant.— A <:iuarrel.— Uncle Toby's evidence.— 
Leamington's last trump. — Good news.— Checkmated.— The telegram. — Breaking 
the web. — Sunshine at last. 

Cortes mailed, j>ostpaid, to any address, on receipt of the annexed prices. 



SAVED FROM THE WRECK. 

A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Eight male, three female characters : Leading comedy, juvenile man, genteel 
villain, rough villain, light comedy, escaped convict, detective, utility, juvenile 
lady, leading comedy lady and old woman. Two interior and one landscape scenes. 
Modern costumes. Time of playing, two hours and a half. The scene of the action 
is laid on the New Jersey coast. The plot is of absorbing interest, the "business" 
effective, and the ingenious contrasts of comic and serious situations present a con- 
tinuous series of surprises for the spectators, whose interest is increasingly maintained 
up to the final tableau. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. The Home of the Light-house Keeper. — An autumn afternoon. — 
The insult. — True to herself. — A fearless heart. —The unwelcome guest. — Only a 
foundling. — An abuse of confidence. — The new partner. — The compact. — The dead 
iDTOught to life. — Saved from the wreck. — Legal advice. — Married for money.— A 
golden chance. — The intercepted letter. — A vision of wealth. — The forgery. — Within 
an inch of his life. — The rescue, — Tableau. 

Act II. Scene as befork ; time, night. — Dark clouds gathering. — Changing 
the jackets. — Father and son. — On duty. — A struggle for fortune. — Loved for himself. 
— The divided greenbacks. — The agreement. — An unhappy life. — The detective's mis- 
take. — Arrested. — Mistaken identity. — The likeness again. — On the right track — The 
accident. — "Will she be saved?" — Latour's bravery. — A noble sacrifice. — The secret 
meeting. — Another case of mistaken identity. — The murder. — " Who did it?" — The 
torn cuff. — " There .stands the murderer!" — " 'Tis false!" — The wrong man mur- 
dered. — Who was the victim? — Tableau. 

Act III. Two Days Later. — Plot and counterplot. — Gentleman and convict. — 
The price of her life. — Some new documents. — The divided banknotes. — Sunshine 
through the clouds. — Prepared for a watery grave — Deadly peril. — Father and daugh- 
ter, — The rising tide. — A life for a signature. — True unto death. — Saved. — The mys- 
tery solved. — Denouement, — Tableau, 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. 

A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. 

PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Eight male, three female, and utility characters : Leading juvenile man, first and 
.second walking gentleman, two light comrdians (lawyer and foreign adventurer), 
Dutch and Irish character comedians, villain, soldiers ; leading juvenile lady, walk- 
ing lady and comedienne. Three interior scenes ; modern and military costumes. 
Time of playing, two hours and a half. Apart from unusual interest of plot and skill 
of construction, the play affords an opportunity of representing the progress of a 
real battle in the distance (though this is not necessary to the action). The comedy 
business is delicious, if well worked up, and a startling phase of the slavery question 
is sprung upon the audience in the last act. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. At Fort Lee, on the Hudson, — News from the war. — The meeting. 
— The colonePs strange romance. — Departing for the war. — The intrusted packet. — An 
honest man. — A last request. — Bitter hatred. — The dawn of love. — A northerner's 
sympathy for the South. — Is he a traitor ? — Held in trust. — La Creole mine for sale. — 
Financial agents. — A brother's wrong. — An order to cross the enemy's lines. — For- 
tune's fool. — Love's penalty. — Man's independence. — Strange disclosures. — A sha- 
dowed life. — Bejrgared in pocket, and bankrupt in love. — His last chance, — The re- 
fusal. — Turned from home. — Alone, without a name — Off to the war. — Tableau. 

Act II. On the Battlefield. — An Irishman's philosophy. — Unconscious of 
d.anger.— Spies in the camp. — The insult. — Risen from the ranks. — The colonel's prej- 
udice. — Letters from home. — The plot to ruin. — A token of love. — True to him. — 
The plotters at work. — Breaking the seals. — The meeting of husband and wife. — A 
forlorn hope. — Doomed as a spy. — A struggle for lost honor. — A soldier's death. — 
Tableau. 

Act III. Before Richmond. — The home of Mrs. De Mori. — The two docu- 
ments. — A little misunderstanding. — A deserted wife. — The truth revealed. — Brought 
to light. — Mother and child. — Rowena's sacrifice. — The American Eagle spreads his 
wings. — The spider's web. — True to himself. — The reconciliation, — A long divided 
home reunited, — The close of the war. — Tableau. 

Copies mailed^ postpaid ^ to any address., 07i receipt 0/ the annexed prices. 



NEW ENTE RTA INMENTS. 

THE JAPANESE WEDDING. 

A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life,, 
The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and 
the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are 
various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving 
presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 
minutes), with the "tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other 
attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred. 
Price, 25 Cents. 

AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, 
the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord 
Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen find Bob Allen, Bob Sawj'er, Mrs. 
and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam 
Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents. 

AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield, 
Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis, 
Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, 
Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora 
and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. 
These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require 
but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- 
pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. 

THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. 

A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune 
Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The 
scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but 
simple ; the dialogue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements 
and' calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so 
that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. 

THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. 

A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Claus 
land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and 
his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast 
may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- 
tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos- 
tunies are simple, the incidental mnsic and drill movements graceful and easilj'' 
managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the 
average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from 
six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same 
time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents. 
RECENTLY PUBLISHED. 

ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux 
r'zz'rt«/f5-, by Martha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied 
with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. 
PART I. -MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction, 

12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 
PART II.— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- 
bleaux nnd 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 

SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. E^ght male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. E-ght male, three 
ff'male characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female 
character-:. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. 
Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

W^ANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male 
characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- 
ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents. 

THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female 
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. 
%s^ -A ny of the above will be sent by 7nail, postpaid, to any address^ on receipt 

af the annexed prices. ,^^li 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



HELMER' 

ACTOR'S MAKE-L 

jitf Practical and Systematic Guide to the Art , 



LIBRPRY OF CONGRESS 




014 549 850 8 i 



PRICE, 25 GENTS. 



With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical 
"Wigs and Beards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the 
different features and their management, Typical Character. 
Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed fOr the 
USE OF Actors AND Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- 
men. Copiously Illustrated. 

CONTENTS. 

I. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs 
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. 
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

IL Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe 
liair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- 
lated. 

HL The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed, 

IV. The Make-up Box. — Grease Paints. Grease paints in 
sticks; Flesh Cream ; Face Powder; How to -use face powder as a 
liquid cream; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- 
mfetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crepe Hair 
and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's" 
Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's 
Grease. Eyebrow Pencils, Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares* 
Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. 

V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind- 
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or 
moustache ; How to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- 
trows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The 
Ears. The Nose: A Roman nose; How to use the: nose putty; A 
pug nose ; An African nose ; a large nose apparently reduced in size. 
The Mouih and Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous 
mouth ; a satirical mouth ; a one-sided mouth ; a merry mouth ; A 
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- 
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
ness indicated by wrinkle:;. Shading. A Starving character, A 
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. 

VI. Typical Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth : 
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- 
ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. 
Chinese, King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. 
■Clowns. 

VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical 
Wigs and Hair Goods. 

Sc-nf hy mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of the price. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 

"" 9 Murray Street, Xew York. 



